it’s been way too long since i’ve been on this blog. i forgot about it, and i also forgot what it feels like to be so relieved after letting everything off your chest. so.. basically here goes.

nothing super exciting has happened to be since i last blogged. i met aaron carter again on valentine’s day, as i said i would. and i also met nick jonas, which is pretty fucking awesome considering i’ve had a crush on him for all of like… 5 years. other than that, my life’s been pretty boring. but at the same time, so much has happened.

basically, two of my friends got in a humungous fight, over a guy. this isn’t the first time it happened, but it happened, and i knew it was coming. except this time, things are different. the girl who did the wrong act is a desperate fucking piece of shit, as we all knew, but she spent the first few weeks that this happened BEGGING the other girl to take her back. that girl realized what a desperate fat ugly obnoxious fake cunt the other girl is and refuses to be friends with her or speak to her or look at her ever again. and good for her, because that girl is all of the things i previously mentioned and more.

that girl and i used to basically be “associated” with one another. that girl always tried to drag me down, and whenever she got dragged down, she needed me to go with her. our friend group was always segregated as her and i, and then everyone else. everyone else would seldom invite her or i, or the both of us to parties or whatever because.. well they just didn’t. the girl i was friends with is a sloppy drunk and SO annoying. she hates me, and she’s always hated me. she’s always been fake to me, and i guess i was just too blind to see it until a few weeks ago. she’s said multiple times that she doesn’t want to be friends with me, she’s gone out of her way to exclude me from things, and basically just been a bitch behind my back for absolutely no reason. and i’m slowly finding out about all of it. 

now that i have the knowledge that i have, i’ve stopped communicating with her. i never go out of my way to IM, text, call, or talk to her in school. she has to make the effort now, if there’s going to be any sort of relationship. she’s gone out of her way to talk to me a lot, and i’m just getting sick of it. she’s trying to befriend the guys we were friends with sophomore and part of junior year, the guys who she ditched to be friends with the girl who hates her now. the guys who i stuck it out with because i actually enjoy their company. she’s trying to befriend a girl who i was friends with first, a junior, who also hates her. my junior friend blocked her and didn’t even give the girl any warning, so fuck you.

basically, our entire friendship was a lie, and all of my other friends are now friends with the girl that she fucked up a friendship with. we all hate the girl who fucked up her friendship, and she’s now a loner. the past couple weekends i’ve been hanging out with my entire group of friends. we’ve had parties and gone to a few parties without this girl, and i feel like i’m in a good place in my life right now. not because i get to party with my friends every weekend, cuz i haven’t even been drinking. just because like, i finally feel like i’ve outgrown my phase of hanging out with that one girl all the fucking time and hating life. i’m finally allowed to go out and have fun and be accepted by my friends. they finally get to see the real me without her in the picture. and one friend even said to me tonight, “i like when you come out with us. it was never intentional when we didn’t invite you, it was just you and her all the time. and now it’s just her.. and all of us.”

that made me so fucking happy. my life almost 100% free of her is so fucking nice. and i love every second of it. fuck you you stupid anorexic fat cunt. i fucking hate you and i hope you learn your lesson.

basically, it’s been over a month since i posted. sorry, except i don’t really know why i’m apologizing because i’m the only one that knows i have this blog. so whatever. but basically, 2012 has been alright so far. i’ve been beyond stressed with schoolwork, but i just finished with my midterms, so that means tomorrow marks the start of second semester seniorhood, aka barely giving a fuck.

but basically, i’m writing this post because pretty much the only exciting thing that’s happened so far is that i met aaron carter on january 19th, which has been my lifelong dream literally since i was 5 years old. and i thought that going to his concert and meeting him would end my fangirl-dom, but it only made it worse.

so, my dad bought my sister and i VIP tickets. i was bugging out all day because i was so excited to go, and i finally made it there. the meet and greet was at 5 pm, and i was one of the last people in line. when it was my turn, i handed the lady my phone to take my picture with him, and i ran up to him and gave him a big hug. when we pulled away, he held me at arms length, with his hands on my waist, and gave me a seductive “heeeey” while giving me elevator eyes. i had a HUGE smile on my face and i said “hi!” and smiled like a huge idiot. we took our picture, and i went to go pick up my stuff while my sister got her picture taken. she then screamed across the room, “jenn, come in the picture!” aaron opened his arms for me to go on his other side to take the picture, and silly me went on my sister’s side.

then, during the concert, he was “searching the crowd” i guess, a lot. he kept looking out into the crowd. well duh, where else is he supposed to look, but i started out in the second row and he was looking straight at us. then, at an awkward silence between songs, i got the balls to scream out “you’re so fucking sexy!” he looked down in the crowd and saw me scream it, smiled at me, winked, blew a kiss, then reached out his hand to touch me. i grabbed the kiss and put it on my heart as well as touched him.

the rest of the concert was fucking amazing, but the next day i literally couldn’t stop replaying it in my head. so, i went out that night, and when i came home i tweeted, “fangirling so hard from last night.. @AARONCARTER last night was one of the best nights of my life. do it again soon?” then i went to bed. when i woke up the next morning and went on twitter, i had gained 10 followers. i knew what this meant, so i went to aaron carter’s twitter page to check if i was right. and i was, he retweeted me. i had our picture together as my profile picture thing, and i know he saw it.

i’m going to see him in his off broadway show, the fantasticks, on february 14th, aka valentine’s day. i’m going to bring him a rose, a teddy bear, and a card with my name and number in it. i have a clever line that i want to put in it, but i really don’t want to be creepy so i might have to reconsider.

anyway, i really want aaron to notice me, i want to be friends with him. and i also want to have his children. i’m going to try my hardest to get noticed by him a bunch more times, and i’m also going to try to be my prettiest on valentine’s day, just for him. <3

i was having the BEST day. i’m getting a new car on saturday, so i test drove the one i want to get, and i decided on what color interior and exterior i’m getting. then, i went home and was working on my present for my secret santa and my kindof sister came over with her husband, daughter and her father. it was a lot of fun, we had dinner, we celebrated hanukkah, and i was SO eager to leave to go to this party. i honestly am not much of a party girl. i actually HATE partying. alcoholism runs in my family, mainly on my mom’s side: my aunt, my grandma, my uncle who died due to complications of alcohol addiction, and two of my other non-blood related uncles. my brother, who is only half blood related but is still blood related, battled with drug addiction for 8 years, infused with a little alcoholism. so, why would i EVER want to TOUCH or even go near drugs or alcohol? i feel like if i do, one touch and i’m addicted. i rarely ever drink, and when i do, i don’t get drunk. i get tipsy, and then i end up having to sober up to take care of one of my friends whose either throwing up or crying. so, i end up going to this party, waiting in the cold for 45 minutes in my car while everyone else is in the other car, and the entire time i wanted to leave. so then, the guy comes back to his house, we all go in, my friends are all drunk, it’s awkward, i’m the only sober one, and two of the drunk people are DRIVING. DRIVING HOME. why would you EVER. i really don’t understand. so then, i find out that two of my best friends did cocaine before they came to this party. are you fUCKING KIDDING ME. honestly, you konw whats happened with my family relating to drugs, why would you even TRY that,!!! plus, my other friend has a cocaine addicted brother EXACTLY like mine. why would you EVER i really don’t undrestand, so i find an excuse to leave, i come home, i cry. and iwant to tell my parents to call the cops on that party. i really hope they all get in trouble. fuck drugs, fuck alcohol, i love sobriety. i hate evyrone.

I go to your school and I just wanted to tell you that I feel like you have ruined my entire life. You act like you are the perfect person. I needed to tell you that you are not. I am tired of feeling terrible because of what you do and what you say. You are old enough now to know how to be a mature adult so I think it is time you start to try it.

someone just sent me that on anon in my ask on my personal blog.. i’m kindof really upset about it. i literally have not done anything to ruin ANYONE’s life but my own. i know i’m not the perfect, since there’s no such thing as perfect. i know that i’m far from “perfect” or “the perfect person” so i don’t try to act like it. literally, the only people in my school that i talk to are from my friend group, and i know none of them wrote that because if they did, they would have said it to my face. and by the way, anon, if you’re talking about maturity, you probably shouldn’t be a coward and hide behind an anon message on tumblr if you really feel that way.

1. i fucking hate my hair. i got it cut/colored today, and it did not turn out at alll the way i want it so fuck me. i guess it takes some getting used to.

2. i’m really fucked.. this guy was texting me last night literally begging me to fuck him. i told a kid in my math class that i THOUGHT i could trust, because my friend can trust him with her life and he’s hilarious, so i showed him to get a good laugh cuz some of the texts were preeeetty funny.. and the kid just texted me “you’re showing people our texts?” and i said no, obviously i don’t want him to know that i did that. he texted me back saying that the kid told him that i showed him so basically i’m fucked

it was nice knowing you all, even though i only have four followers and one of them is my personal blog lololol

i’m glad i have this blog that no one knows about because otherwise i would have nowhere to debrief and then i’d probably go crazy. but anyway…

i got in “trouble” with a friend about a month ago over something that didn’t happen but no one believed me when i said it didn’t. it had to do with a guy and me and him being “involved” when it was clear that we weren’t. sooo basically, my “friend” and i stopped talking to each other for a few days and then she got over herself and started talking to me again.

this same guy is trying too hard to get one of my other friends to go out with him. she said she doesn’t want a boyfriend and she wants to hook up, and this guy is totally two-timing her because that’s just the way he is. but basically, they’re talking and she was like “he’s telling me at on of shit” and i asked her what and she said “who he’s fucked.” and i KNEW my name was going to come up. so i said to her, “oh he’s probably like “lskdjflkdj… over and over and over. and don’t tell me they didn’t do it because i was in the room the first time it happened, so i know it did.” all she said was… “noo… not quite.” and then, i’ve been sending her funny pictures that she would usually find hilarious and being funny, and all she’s saying back to me is hahaha, not like violent laughter or the wya she normally is. i can’t tell if he told her and shes pissed because i “lied” to her when i said i didn’t do it, or if he told her it happened and she’s just mad in general about it? either way i don’t want that shit coming up again like, that is over with and if it does i’m going to literally kill someone or myself im so tired of drama fuck off.

i fucking hate everyone honestly. like, i laugh at shit i’m not “supposed” to laugh at. when something’s funny, obviously i laugh, but i also usually laugh at things that aren’t funny, or when it’s like an awkward silence or something. i’ve ALWAYS done it, and my friends have just gotten used to it i guess. the past two days, though, my friend has gotten upset with me because i laughed at an inappropriate time. yesterday, i don’t even remember what it was. today, it was because he said he never wears hats, but he has a toronto blue jays hat that is really sexy. i literally said “hahaha” and he got pissed. like actually? if you’re my friend, you should just accept that i do stupid shit or you should not be my fucking friend.

stop going out of your way to me feel like shit when you KNOW i already feel terrible about myself and everything i do and say.

i’m really fucking tired of being depressed. i really don’t have much else to say. i guess i’ll elaborate later

i have four followers, one of them being my main blog. but i realized that i need to make a change.

first of all, i started this blog as a weight loss blog, or like a place where i could get out my thoughts about weight and keep track of my progress and stuff. i’ve been doing okay, but i never really go on this blog only because i simply can’t find inspiration on tumblr. lately, i’ve been really depressed. my sister was in the hospital for a day or two, and she’s out now and completely fine, but that worried me. that’s when it all started. there have been so many things building up lately that have made me veeery depressed.

so, that’s why i’m changing the style of my blog. i have a new url (suicid3-sunday) and i’m going to use this blog as a diary, and i’m gonna write in it whenever i have the chance about absolutely anything. i’m not going to expect people to listen or to gain followers or anything of the sort, but i really just need to have a place to let it alll out, so that’s what this is.

so yeah here goes nothing i guess. :)